My cup runneth over

Bedtime has been mostly nightmarish as of late. Logan fights me every step of the way, and then stays up way too late. It's just no fun at all. Tonight though, my heart completely melted. My voice is gone due to some mysterious illness, so I told Logan he would have to read to me. So he did. He read me 4 books--a pop-up Mickey Mouse Clubhouse book, a couple of stories out of his Dora book, "Cat in the Hat", and "Hand, Hand, Fingers, Thumb." I was quite impressed actually. He knew the Mickey, Dora, and HHFT books almost verbatim (it helps that we've read them about a million times each). He knew a few exact lines from Cat in the Hat, but the rest he ad-libbed and it was just so adorable. Next, he sang me "Jingle Bells", made me "look like a princess" (this is where he piles all of your hair on top of your head like a crown) and then I kissed him goodnight and put him in his bed.

I hope I never forget this evening, what a sweet moment with my amazing little boy.

Lessons Learned

So I finally went and got my teeth cleaned today. The last time was, oh, September 25, 2008 (our 4th wedding anniversary). Logan was 3 months old and snoozed in his infant seat the entire time. Today that did not happen. I should have went over the summer or Christmas break (or ahem, last year's summer break), but I didn't. I tried to find a day where I would have someone to watch Logan, but they had no openings. The receptionist assured me it would be fine to bring him. I thought, maybe it won't be so bad. It wasn't bad, it was worse than I could have imagined. My little psycho tried to grab the hygenist's tools, moved her lamp, turned on the water fountain, and ran away during my x-rays, among other things. Then to add insult to injury the dentist told me I had "a couple" cavities. By "a couple" she meant 6. AYFKM?? 6?? I got my first cavity when I was 22. A teeny, tiny one. Then in 2008 I had 2 more. Now, in just one measly visit I had 6? I was devastated. She informed me that 2 of the cavities weren't my fault, that they were in grooves where microscopic particles get in. The other 4 were due to my lack of flossing regularly. ::::hangs head in shame:::: I do floss, but I certainly can't call it regularly. Well, that ends today. I am officially becoming a flossing mo-fo. And I'm never taking Logan to one of my cleanings again. Trust me, I am taking my lessons learned today to heart.

Yup, That's My Kid

Logan loves to sing, and I love to hear him sing. But there's one song in particular that gives me the greatest joy to hear. He got a Little People disco CD for his birthday and his favorite song on there is Turn the Beat Around. He will ask to listen to "Turn it Upside Down" as he calls it, over and over and over. First of all he always yells "Mike" when the song starts and I have no idea why. I don't know who or what "Mike" is, and that makes it all the more hilarious. But the thing that makes his love of that song really special to me is that back in 8th grade I had the Gloria Estefan version stuck in my head. It was so much stuck in my head that I started singing it during reading class. Instead of giving me detention or sending me to the principal's office, my good-natured teacher just sent me to the music room for the duration of class. Which my 8th grade AW self LOVED. My friends STILL tease me about that day and that song, and clearly my affinity for the song must be in my DNA and Logan must have gotten that gene.
*sigh*
I love my little boy.

Reality Check

I was looking at pictures on Facebook last night. Mistake. Or not. I cannot believe how big I look in Logan's birthday pictures. I'm not totally delusional, I know I'm not thin, but WOW. Just WOW. At the same time, it's motivation. I don't EVER want to look that way again. I've lost about 15lbs since then, plus I just generally look more toned, as my gut isn't nearly as prominent now (thank you step class and resistance bands).

Still, it's time to up my game. Those pictures just brought home how much work I have to do. I've been eating OK, but I could definitely tighten it up a bit more. I need to be documenting my intake. I was doing it religiously, but I've been slacking. I go to step class every week. It's my "me" time. This week I tried Zumba and I liked it. I plan on doing that weekly as well. I still need to fit in 1-2 more workouts per week. I would LOVE to start running again, but given my current situation it's just not in the cards right now.

Seeing those pictures was TOUGH. It made me sick to my stomach. I just need to keep my eye on the prize.

Nashville!

What a great weekend! Mom and I went to Nashville so I could do a prep course to get certified in OB/GYN. The class was only 4 hours a day in the afternoon, so we had quite a lot of time to explore. We stayed at the Loews Vanderbilt (across the street from Vanderbilt U) and it was gorgeous (and expensive). We never would stay in a place so fancy, but my company was picking up the tab (and the rooms were half off for the conference anyway). There was a spa inside, which sadly we did not visit, but our room had big, cushy towels, and we each got our own fluffy robes. There was even an art gallery inside. There is so much to do in Nashville, we are planning on going back because we didn't even scratch the surface.

Friday evening we went to Ruth's Chris steakhouse for dinner (after we hit the workout room). My mom doesn't eat steak, and there was no seafood she was interested in so she got the vegetarian meal, which is code for pick any 3 side dishes. I got the filet, which was amazing, as were my mom's side dishes, especially the sweet potato casserole. Yum, yum!

Saturday morning we visited the Country Music Hall of Fame. I don't really listen to country music, but it was still really cool, and I now know more than anyone should about the lives of Hank Williams and Hank Williams jr. Then we walked around a bit, I got my picture taken with a large wooden ice cream sundae, and 2 life sized Elvises, and we went to lunch at Hard Rock. During class, some of my classmates mentioned they were going to the Ryland Auditorium for a show that night. Mom and I were able to get tickets (great seats). It turned out it was the Grand Ole Opry. We had the best time. Crystal Gale was there, and in case you're wondering her hair still drags the floor. I kept waiting for her to step on it. There were many acts, some old as dirt, all entertaining. On the way home we stopped at Ruth's Chris and got the chocolate explosion to go. To.die.for.

Sunday morning we lounged around, then hit the fitness center where I did 26 minutes on the elliptical. And yes, I'm damn proud of it. When I used to belong to Gold's I don't think I could even do 10 minutes. Despite being the size of a small whale, I'm actually more physically fit than I've ever been in my 20's. We had lunch at the hotel cafe and mom did the private tour of the Ryland while I finished my class. The class was helpful, especially the workbook that you get. Plus it's nice to meet others in your field. Everyone I met was very nice.

I am so glad to be home, but I <3 Nashville and can't wait to go back!

Back on the wagon

I started off the year faithfully working out 3 times per week. I kept that up until sometime in March when the bottom fell out of my life. This week I am back. I worked out 3 times and will try to squeeze in another session tomorrow. I'm back and it feels damn good.

Logan-isms

Yesterday while we were eating lunch, Logan held out his piece of bread toward me and asked "you wanna try it?" Well, needless to say I about died laughing. I don't think he knows what it really means, he just knows people say that to him while offering him food. He also enjoys saying "no problem" except what he really means is just "no." I know every stage is cute, but I am LOVING this stage. He is just so conversational and he's starting to "get" it. My little ray of sunshine in an otherwise stormy season.

Happy Birthday Logan!

Dear Logan,
Exactly 2 years ago when Dr. Fleming was yanking you out with forceps, I never knew how much you'd make me laugh. You are hilarious. Today your "gorgeous I say!" and "what to do now?" melted my heart each time, along with your big beautiful grin. I never knew that you would amaze me every.single.day. You are ALWAYS coming up with something new and watching you learn new things (and witnessing your love of learning) is so fulfilling.

I also never knew that you'd be so good at pushing my buttons. Child, you are just so naughty sometimes. Luckily you love to give your mommy hugs, kisses, and nuzzles to make up for it.

Before you, I never knew how a person could completely take over my head, my heart, and my soul. You are always in my thoughts. I have loved you so much, ever since I first found out you were coming, and I didn't think I could love you any more than that moment Daddy laid you beside me so I could admire how much you looked like me. :-) But my love for you has grown every day, and I'm thrilled that you've been in my life these past 2 years. I'm so lucky to be your mommy. Happy birthday Buddy Boy! I can't wait to see what the next year has in store for both of us.

Love,
Mommy

Left Out

I've had a problem for as long as I can remember. I always have to feel in the loop, in the thick of things. I hate feeling left out. It was one thing to feel that way in high school or perhaps even college, but I find it ridiculous that I'm almost 30 (and a mother no less) and I still care about whether I've been left out or not. I try to tell myself "hey you have your own life, who cares what other people are doing" but it doesn't work, I still obsess. Besides, my life sucks right now, so it's not like that's a selling point anyway. I guess I just wonder how much longer I am going to have these thoughts.

Loved

There's nothing like the love your child gives you. I wish every day could be filled with this much love. I've been getting it since Logan woke up this morning. He has given me no less than 10 hugs. And Logan hugs include him throwing his arms around my waste and saying "Aw Mommy." He also keeps asking for "nuzzles" which are also known as Eskimo kisses. I can never get too much Logan love and I need it now more than ever.

How Did I Get Here?

Last night I was wondering this, from a career standpoint. I love my job but it was not what I set out to do. From the time I was 3 until my freshman year of college I wanted to be a pediatrician. Then after a quarter of college I decided that: A. I wasn't willing to work so hard in my studies and B. I didn't want to go to school that long. So I plugged along. My mom told me I just needed to get a degree in 4 years so that's what I did. I ended up with a biology degree. You know what you can do with one of those? You can A. go work in a lab or B. go back to school to do something else. Since my parents were done footing my education bill I decided I would work in a lab. To bad no one wanted me. Kyle found a job right away and that killed me, especially when I wrote his resume (I write killer resumes) and chose his interview outfit. Why him? Well, because the guy that hired him said "girls don't make good research assistants." WTF? In that case he would be right because there's no way I could have worked for such an arrogant, sexist asshole. So Kyle supported us with his grand 27,000/yr salary while I kept working at CVS for $8/hour hating every minute of my life. We got married so I had health insurance (UC's is very good or was at the time and we didn't have to pay for it), and Kyle begged me to quit my job because I was so miserable (and thus making him miserable). I did quit but just when my 2 weeks was up I landed a new job.

The new job was working as a receptionist for a doctor's office. I was way overqualified (you only needed a high school diploma), but I actually enjoyed the work and the people (minus the evil Jewish doctors--but I just tried to fly under their radar). And I made more per hour than Kyle did at the lab. The job was only part-time and I didn't see myself being a receptionist the rest of my life, just like I didn't see myself living in our shitty condo which was all we'd be able to afford if I didn't make a change. One of the perks of being married to a UC employee, besides the cheap health insurance is that I could go back to school for virtually nothing. So that's what I set about doing (while Kyle went for his master's in education and teaching certificate). I just looked up their degree catalog and narrow it down to going to ultrasound school (a one year certificate) or becoming a genetic counselor (a master's program). The person I talked to in the genetic counseling department kept it real and told me I would most likely have to move to find a job in that field. I was unable and unwilling to do that, so I applied for the ultrasound program. I completed the last remaining pre-requisites, did my interview . . .and promptly got wait-listed. I was devastated. I had put all my eggs in that basket. Thankfully I got the call a few weeks later that I was accepted. Whew!

In September 2005 I started the program. This was about the time I realized I didn't know shit about what doing ultrasounds entailed. I was the person you would show your fetal ultrasound pictures to and say "uh no I can't tell what that is." I thought I was going to die the first time our instructor showed us the vaginal probe--we're going to put that where??? Talk about a leap of faith. Looking back I realize how lucky I am to be happy in my field since I did not research it at all. In addition the way all my clinical sites were set up I had to learn how to scan right-handed, no small feat for this lefty. The classroom part came very easily to me, the scanning not so much. I was definitely not a natural and my "handicap" certainly didn't help. I survived and finished in August 2006. In October I got my first job. The pay was good, but the job was on the west side (a whole new world for this east sider). Plus I had to take call which was a nightmare. Still, it gave me some much needed confidence and practice. I became damn good at scanning gallbladders and breasts.

When I was on maternity leave I really starting freaking out about going back to work. Taking call before was bad enough, but with a newborn?? It seemed like a tall order. So I applied for a few jobs. I interviewed for my current position--my boss called me 2 hours after I applied online. I could tell they liked me, but I was worried because they did OB there and we did virtually no OB at the hospital. Ultrasound is definitely a "if you don't use it, you lose it" field so that scared me. Luckily they didn't mind--in fact my boss said he was kind of glad I was an OB neophyte since that way they could teach me to do things their way. The biggest selling point to me was the job had no call and I didn't have to work weekends or holidays. So I got the job and went back to feeling like a big fat failure. Scanning livers and kidneys are one thing, but a moving fetus--that's a whole new ballgame. I got the hang of though and now I love scanning OB (although I still love those gallbladders, too). It is very satisfying to get to help people at their happiest (and worst) moments. The people I work with are fantastic and my boss is very hands-off. I just get to do my own thing. So that's how I got here--and "here" is a great place to be.

It's Days Like Today . . .

. . .that make me feel like Logan is going to be an only child. I have no idea how I will handle 2 screaming children. I just have the one now and I wanted to throw myself off a building this evening. Tantrums really are the devil's work.

I Love Wednesdays

I love Wednesdays because they're my day off during the week. Kyle's off during the day, too, so a lot of times we take a little family field trip (today we went to the museum). Other times I meet up with one of my besties and her little ones. Every once in a blue moon I even take a nap while Logan is napping. However I've not been very productive on the home front lately, so I vowed today would be different. I got up around 7, got Logan up, fed us both breakfast, took a shower, blow dried my hair, got myself and and Logan dressed, went to lunch, went to the museum, did 3 loads of laundry, did all the dishes, worked out for 45 minutes, had dinner, packed my lunch and Logan's bag for tomorrow, laid out my clothes and Logan's for tomorrow, and ran solo Fussy Patrol from 3 until bedtime. I am EXHAUSTED. I almost can't wait to go back to work so I can take a break.

No Longer a Step Virgin

My MIL teaches a step aerobics class at the local YMCA, so today my SIL and mom decided we'd try it. If my MIL ever needs a fallback career she'd be a hell of a motivational speaker (I've been on the receiving end of many a motivational speech from her). Add to that her overall peppiness and penchant for fitness and she's perfect for the job. I figured since I've been working out steadily 3x a week for the past month the class probably wouldn't make me keel over. It turns out I was right. I was also right about how uncoordinated I am--I definitely got tripped up a few times. Luckily I made it through the class without falling on my face so I consider that a success. We did 40 minutes of step and then about 10 minutes of exercises using free weights. I gotta say I don't know if I would have made it through that part had I not already been doing many of those exercises. Then it was on to the mat for ab work. Wowza. My abs are sooooo sore. I'm definitely feeling the burn even 3.5 hours later. All in all it was fun though and I'm planning on going back next Thursday.

Overwhelmed and Underprepared

So, let me start by saying I am pretty much a worthless lump in the evenings on days I work. I am always just exhausted after work. Not so conducive to working out, taking care of Logan, or any of the other things on life's to-do list. Luckily Kyle is Superdad, always picking up the slack. On Wednesday nights he tutors at a local learning facility to make a few extra bucks. I'm off on Wednesdays, so I'm up to the task of running Fussy Patrol. Well, now in addition to that he's decide to privately tutor a 13 year old girl one night a week. I know he's doing this because he wants to feel like he's pulling his weight financially and I don't fault him for that, but that's another night of me handling Logan on my own and it will inevitably a night after I've worked all day. This honestly scares the shit out of me. For starters, my sweet little angel turns into the devil around 5pm most days. He is usually sooo crabby from 5 to 7 for some reason and some days it's nearly unbearable. You cannot make this child happy. Also, when I do have the gumption to work out it's virtually impossible to do it if there's not someone to ride herd of Logan. He is in.to.everything. And I am serious about my workout routine, I've been getting in at least 3 days, I don't want to fall off the wagon. I know I need to suck it up, that I've been spoiled, and that it will be fine, but I'm a little freaked out right now.

A Tale of a Whale

Unfortunately, the whale is me. I've gained close to 100lbs since 2000. It ain't pretty, and it's not healthy either. My poor husband--he must feel cheated because he certainly didn't get what he signed up for. I feel like a huge (pun intended) disappointment--to myself, to Kyle, to Logan. When I was a teenager I thought I couldn't get fat because I always ate whatever I wanted and was rail thin. I thought wrong. So, now I'm trying to undo 10 years worth of damage. No, scratch that--more like 28, almost 29 years of damage. Because even when I was thin I wasn't eating healthy. I wasn't thinking about portion control, or cardio, or strength training. I doubt I'll ever be Skinny Minnie again, but it would be nice to not want to cry when I see a photograph of myself. So, I'm making some changes. My parents got me Wii Active for Christmas. I've been working out 3 times a week, but my goal is actually 4. I really love those workouts. They push me but I don't have to listen to Jillian run her mouth. I've also been doing yoga which does wonders for my back. I bought some Coke Zero at Kroger today. It's definitely not as tasty as regular Coke but I'm going to keep drinking it and see if it'll grow on me. I also bought some fruits and vegetables that I intend to eat as well as other somewhat healthy meals and snacks. So here I go . . .hopefully this tale will have a happy ending.

Low . .

. . .lonely. That's how I'm feeling these days. I don't know if it's post-holiday letdown, the dreary January weather, my uncle's passing, or being estranged from 2 of my oldest friends (most likely a combination), but I've been seriously down in the dumps these past few days, and feeling very isolated. Man I could use a hug right about now.

*sigh*

I wish I could stay it doesn't bother me, but it does. I wish I could say the bad memories won't haunt me for the next year, but they will. Damn that Peter King, arrogant bastard. On the upside, there were no tears this time around (and no Steelers either, which I suppose makes thing a tiny bit better). I guess this is what you sign up for when you accept your membership card to Bengals Nation--years and years of heartbreak. I only hope my pal Jene doesn't hold it over my head for too long. :::runs off to drown my sorrows with an adult beverage::::

Oh and P.S. Graham, WTF?

Maybe I'm Amazed

Ok, no, I'm DEFINITELY amazed but that just happens to be one of my all-time favorite songs. :-) My kid can count to 15. Fifteen. Where the heck he learned to do that I don't know (I've never seen them count that high on Dora), but he can and I have witnesses. He did it twice in front of both my parents today. I am just in awe of him. Every day he does something new and it just amazes me to see him develop and watch him grow. He said his first phrase this week ("there you go") and he has been building some impressive Mega Block towers, preparing some fabulous pretend dinners in his play kitchen, and becoming a little Mr. Fix-it with his play tools. Of course he's also a rotten egg who gets into everything and throws tantrums, but nonetheless I love being Logan's mom more than I can say, and motherhood has fulfilled in ways I never imagined possible.

I'm Done

I'm done. I'm tired of making an effort with people who can't show the same courtesy. I'm tired of thinking I'm part of the group when I'm obviously not. I'm tired of being lied to. What's more, I'm tired of caring. I think I'll stick to surrounding myself with people who actually care about me from now on.