So Long 2009!

I've been counting down the days. I feel like I've been given the opportunity to start fresh. New year, new decade. The 2000's hold some of the most wonderful moments of my life. Getting married, having Logan, buying a house, finding out kitties. Still, I'm just not the person I want to be inside or out. The 2000's were my fat decade. Yes, I've been fat for a whopping 10 years now. That's about 10 years too many if you ask me. I know New Year's Resolutions are so cliche, but I like the idea of starting anew. I need to get rid of this negativity. I need to stop wasting my life. I want to be happy. I want to be healthy. I want to live life to the fullest. I want to be the best Jennifer I can be.

I Got a Fever . . .

. . .and the only prescription is a baby. Kyle and I had originally decided to TTC baby #2 in October 2009, so we'd have another late spring/early summer baby. Perfect for a teacher's schedule. Well, then Kyle lost his job and didn't find another one until November so that plan got scrapped, obviously. That didn't stop me from obsessing over having a baby though. My period was over a week late last month and I thought I was going to have to be committed due to the obsession. Finally we sat down, had a nice long talk, and decided (OK, Kyle decided and I was forced to agree because deep down I know it's right) that we'll TTC this fall for a spring/summer 2011 baby. And that was that. And I was OK with that . . er . . I PRETENDED it was OK. We can start trying in 9-10 months, not that long in the grand scheme of things. I was just starting to buy into it being OK when I happened to see the Facebook status of someone I used to work with. Our boys are 3 months apart. The status said her kid was going to be a big brother this June. BOOM! I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. That should be me! And just like that, I'm back to square one, having to come to terms all over again.

I feel sort of guilty that I'm not satisfied with one kid. I know there are people who'd kill for just one. However, it's because I have this kid that I want another one so damn bad. I mean, I was excited over Logan's arrival but I never could have imagined how cool it would be to have him around. The kid is amazing and the experience has been so fulfilling that I'm dying to do it again. I liked being pregnant (minus the miserable 9th month and the 17 hour labor and delivery). I love the toys, the clothes, the smiles, the giggles, the squishy thighs. I loved breastfeeding. I've loved watching Kyle turn into the most fantastic dad I've ever seen. I love having a great excuse to watch Diego, buy cute Halloween costumes, visit Santa, and color Easter eggs . . . but I digress. So our plan got held up a year. I'm not going to lie I'm probably going to still bitch about it a little. On the upside I get to spend the time with my little cutie. As fast as he's growing, the time will pass in the blink of an eye.

Why Can't We Be Friends?

I'm starting to think I'm a bad friend. I had 6 bridesmaids, 4 of whom were friends (the other 2 were SIL and my cousin). I have drifted from all of them and I've only been married 5 years (which feels like 5 seconds or 100 years, depending on the day). The one thing all 4 have in common is me, so does this mean I'm the problem? My maid of honor and I have been friends since we were in nursery school. I'd say we spent a good 75% of our time together in our early 20's. She practically lived at our condo. Now, we barely speak. I can't tell you what happened, because I don't know. There was no falling out and we do get together it's a fabulous time, but these times are few and far between. I suppose life got in the way. I only keep up with my college friends, K and S, through Facebook. S just another kid a couple months ago and I didn't even know she was pregnant. I love(d) these woman, why do I never speak to them anymore? Is this going to happen with my current close friends? I don't know how it happened before, what can I do to prevent it from happening now? As much as I enjoy being Kyle's wife and Logan's mom I need my girlfriends.

Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend

Every year my company has a Christmas party where they give out gifts via a drawing. Most gifts are $10 gift cards to Chipotle, Panera, etc, but they give out a few "big" gifts: jewelry, a tv, an ipod, etc. Last year I'd been there for 3 months when they had the Christmas party. I walked away with a diamond necklace. I told my boss they didn't need to give me diamonds, that I was already happy there and never leaving. I also passed my good luck on--my closest work friend came away with a diamond bracelet. The last time she got something it was awful holiday fingertip towels so this was a huge upgrade for her. Last night was this year's Christmas party. I was sitting around waiting to win a gift card (hoping it wasn't Chipotle) when sure enough when my name was called I drew number 31. 31 was . . .a diamond bracelet! As awful as things have been this year this is obviously one aspect of my life where I'm very lucky. I told my co-workers jokingly that the year I get a gift card is going to be a real let down. Perhaps I should start wearing my necklace and bracelet every single day for luck.

More Perspective

A nestie on one the national boards I frequent lost her little boy this week. He was a perfectly healthy, bright, little boy, just 3 months younger than Logan. I cannot imagine the pain she is feeling right now. Her loss has shaken me to the core. In honor of her precious little boy I am going to make the most of the time I have with my little boy. I don't want to take a moment for granted. My heart bursts with love for Logan and he's brightened my life more than I can say. I'm so thankful for every morning I get to walk into his room in the morning and see that sweet smiling face. I'm thankful for every good-night kiss, every giggle, every side-eye (that's his newest "trick"). I love you Logan. Being your mom is the greatest thing I've ever done.

My Other Kids

This was supposed to be yesterday's blog entry, but because some people suck ass it wasn't meant to be. However it's really something I wanted to talk about so I'm doing it today.

There's something so wonderful and special about having mom friends. In addition to my friends from high school, I've met a wonderful group of ladies online of all places and they've been my rock, my sounding board, my Dear Abbys, if you will. This post isn't about them, though. It's about their kids. Second to being a mom, I've always wanted to be an aunt. I thought being an aunt seemed really cool and I of course would be a very cool aunt. Since I'm an only child I never really thought about how that would happen for me. I do have 2 BILs and a SIL but they're nowhere near ready for kids (and that's a good thing!). So, I've kind of adopted my friends' children as my own little nieces and nephews. I love them nearly as much as I love Logan and I feel honored getting to watch them grow up. So here's a little blurb about each of them.

First, there was Trenton. Trenton is my friend Sarah's little boy. Sarah and I go way, way, way back (5th grade). Trenton is a curly-headed chatterbox. The kid can (and will) say anything. He's smart as a whip and he knows it.

Then there's Justin. Katie was my first best friend to have a baby. We all waited super impatiently for Justin's arrival (well, except Katie--she wanted to stay pregnant forever). I will never, ever forget the day Justin was born. I was so excited to hear that he was a boy (Katie mades us wait the whole darn pregnancy to find out both times). Justin is exuberant and full of life. He loves Elmo and Barney and I tend to think he's going to be the class clown someday. The popular kind, not the geeky kind.

Next there's Kate. Kate's mom, Joanna, and I were pregnant at the same time which was a wonderful experience. Joanna was also a "waiter" so I didn't know who Kate was until the night she was born. Kate gave us all a little scare in utero, but she was born perfect. She's spunky, always has been, and she is always teaching Logan new things. I suspect this will keep happening even as they get older. Kate taught Logan how to smooch but I wouldn't worry to much about that, Matt. She can hold her own with the boys. She's also a total fashionista (OK, that's probably more Jo), but I have no doubt she'll always be looking put together long after she starts picking out her own clothes.

I think of my friend Ali's daughters Piper and Kady kind of like my honorary daughters. The little girls I'll probably never have. Piper is Trenton's female counterpart (getting those 2 together for a conversation would be priceless) with red hair and glasses. She's the coolest 2 year old girl you'll ever meet. My Kady-girl has beautiful blue eyes just like Logan's (I actually think those 2 look alike) and is one of the happiest babies I've ever seen. She's almost always up for a snuggle.

Then there's Jene's son Charlie. Charlie is closest to Logan's age and they play well together (for toddlers). I like to teach him little tricks (I suppose I am the Kate to his Logan). He's also very cuddly for the most part and I love his smile. I also think it's hysterical that leaves, grass, and other outdoor things freak him out.

The newest addition is Tyler, Justin's little brother. He's just shy of 3 months old and is of course cute as a button. I was able to spend some time with him yesterday. He enjoyed the song I made up to lull him to sleep. He's squishy and sweet and I can't wait to watch him grow up.

So there's my other kids, my honorary nieces and nephews. I love you all.

2009, Oh How I Loathe Thee

I hate you 2009. You're a real bastard. I hated you back in January when my stupid crappy car died. I hated you in February when the Steelers won the Super Bowl. I hated you in March when Kyle lost his job. I hated you in April when my anxiety started to kick in. I hated you in May when I scratched my brand new car and in June although I can't think of a good reason why right now. I hated you in July when I started having to work full-time. I hated you in August when Kyle still didn't find a job. I hated you in September when I had to start carrying my company's ridiculously overpriced health insurance. I hated you in October when Kyle's unemployment got appealed and our mortgage payment went up. I will hate you in December because Kyle and I can't go to the Bengals/Vikings game. I thought you might start looking up in November because Kyle found some work. It's only part-time and not nearly as much as he was making so you wouldn't have been fully forgiven anyway, but it doesn't matter because I hate you more than ever since I read the letter today saying we'd lost the appeal. I hate you almost as much as I hate the West Clermont school board, which is saying something because I don't hate anyone or anything as much as I hate them. Were you jealous because 2008 was so awesome? Or just bitter and angry because the Georges seemed to have it all together? Fuck you 2009. I bet 2010 is way cooler than you. It wouldn't take much.

The Future is Clear as Mud

So it appears Kyle got a job, a teaching job no less. He can even work from home. Cue the parade, isn't this EXACTLY what I've been waiting for? Welll, I'm not sure. For starters, I don't really understand the logistics so far. At least for now the job is supposed to be part-time and his salary is determined by some confounded equation involving the number of students in his classes and the difficulty of classes he's teaching. On a positive note most people that start out doing what he's supposed to be doing end up with a full time position the next school year. Oh and his unemployment hearing versus the West Cler.mont board of douchebags is next Friday. We may actually have some money coming in sometime this month! Hooray!

Despite all this good news I'm feeling more unsettled than ever today. At least with the unemployment I knew what to expect every day . . .depression, imaging the school board members rotting in hell, etc. (as well as what NOT to expect ie, money). I thought Kyle getting a job would magically put our "perfect" life back together, and while it might eventually, for now I have some questions. I'll preface my questions by saying some are selfish, but hey, it's my blog!
1. How long am I going to have to keep carrying this expensive insurance?
a. When can I go back to working part time? It was heaven on earth!
2. When can we have another kid? The one we've got is so damn cute I can't stand it, but my clock is starting to tick louder by the day. Plus we have got mass quantities of cute little boy clothes that are screaming to be worn again. If we could have a summer baby we'd pretty much be right in sync season wise.

Well, this is where we're at, wherever that is! I'm cautiously optimistic that things may start turning around for us.

A Tale of 2 Kitties

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times (OK it was mostly just the worst of times).

Back in November, my beloved Carson Palmer got very sick. He was laying around, making a pathetic whine, and he wouldn't move. He failed the "treat test" (the treat test is where I hand out treats and if the cat doesn't get up to get one he/she clearly must be dying--that day was the first time any of them has failed), so I drove him to the vet immediately. It turned out his bladder was obstructed. 4 catheterizations, 1 surgery, and roughly $3,ooo later he's as good as new. Most people think Carson is my favorite cat. He is so sweet and cuddly, but the truth is I love all four of my furry beasts for better or for worse.

Including Tig who is mean as a snake. He's bit both of my parents unprovoked, and decided to walk by and take a bite out of my arm (drawing blood) when I was 7 months pregnant. When Carson was going through this scare I knew that Kyle and I would do pretty much anything to make him better, but I remember saying repeatedly "I'd do this for any of my cats--even Tig."

Good thing, because Tig started acting funny on Sunday. Kyle immediately expected us to have another $3,000 cat on our hands. Of course Wiggy handled things completely different than Carson. He had a whiney noise, too, but along with it he hissed at any of the other cats if they even looked in his general direction and tried to bite Kyle and me if we tried to touch him. Also, he passed the treat test and jumped up on the kitchen counter to "help" we get him some food. Nevertheless, something wasn't right so off to the emergency vet we went. Apparently Tiger was probably obstructed at some point but he wasn't by the time we got there. They sent us home with medicine and special food and just told us to watch him. One of the drugs they gave us was a mild sedative--can I just say I love Mr. Wiggins on drugs? It's the love-iest he's ever been. And unlike Carson he likes the special food just fine (Carson refused to eat it. To this day he won't eat it).

So for now, we watch and see if Tiger suffers the same fate as Carson. It'd be about the only thing they have in common.

Heaven

Kyle has put Logan to bed 95% of the time since he was born. I'd say of good half to 2/3rds of those times has been a struggle. Last night Kyle was mowing the grass so I put the boy to bed. It was the highlight of my week. As I was reading One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish he leaned into me more and more. It was so nice that I decide to put him up on my shoulder and rock him for awhile. Then I lay him in his crib, he rolled on his side, put his arms around his jaguar, and went right to sleep. Watching him put his arms around that jaguar turned me into total mush. It was possibly the sweetest thing I've ever seen. Tonight was more of the same, except this time it was Hop on Pop and Goodnight Moon and after the stories he actually turned around and reached for me so we could rock for awhile. My heart bursts with love for my little boy. Hopefully these warm and fuzzies will come washing back when he's pulling Pumpkin's tail, throwing his lunch to the ground, or picking on sweet little Kady.

Perspective

My life has been a constant pity party lately, but something has happened that stopped me in my tracks. A fellow nestie had triplets in June after suffering from infertility. I follow her blog religiously, so much so that it feels like I know these tiny babies and their parents. Every day it seemed like they were growing bigger and stronger. Yesterday, one of the babies passed away. I can't imagine anything more heartbreaking. The news shook me to the core. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I have everything I need to survive right now: my husband and son. Sweet little Annaleigh has caused me to take step back and realize I'm lucky in the most important ways. Kyle will get a job some day but Brooke and Joe will never hold their precious little girl again. So for now I'm holding on to my precious little boy and thanking God for what I DO have as opposed to what I don't.

Well It Didn't Happen

Schools have started, my husband is unemployed, and I'm still sounding like a bitter and depressed broken record. I keep searching for some kind of lesson in this but so far all I am finding is myself going more crazy by the day. Kyle applied for 15 lab jobs the other night. Hopefully one of those will work out. We'll take pretty much anything at this point.

Sometimes I Forget . . .

. . . the bottom could fall out in a few short weeks. I consider myself a happy person. I've got a sweet, helpful, attentive husband; a little boy that brings me more joy than I ever thought possible, wonderful parents, amazing friends. I enjoy my job, my cats, driving my new car. And then all the sudden--bam!--it hits me. As of right now Kyle doesn't have a job. He gets 2 more paychecks and that's it we're done. I've known this was coming since March. I guess I just kept thinking he'd find something. I started this journey very hopeful. Well, it's August. Schools are starting in a few shorts days. He hasn't found squat.

My heart breaks for him because teaching is his passion and he's darn good at it. My heart breaks for me because the stress of worried about going from 2 incomes to 1 really wears me down sometimes. I'm going to have to pick up the health insurance, at least for the time being and it's infinitely more expensive at my work than what we've had with Kyle's job. I'll have to go back to working full-time which bums me out more than I can say. Sometimes these thoughts creep in my head when I'm trying to sleep and I lay awake for hours.

My optimistic side tells me something will work out because in the past everything has always worked itself out. We've done every "right" ie, got ourselved educated, waited to finish college before getting married, waited to buy a house, waited until we had a house to have a kid. My rational side tells me this isn't necessarily true. There are plenty of people who've lost their job and/or their house that didn't deserve it. I've got people surrounding me telling me "everything happens for a reason" (one of my least favorites phrases). Really?? Tell that to someone who has lost a child or gotten cancer.

So, that's where we're at. Even though the odds are dwindling by the day I am still hoping for a miracle.

Good Vibrations

. . is the best running song EVER. It gets me through my long run every time. 5K here I come!

Tag Team Parenting

From the minute Logan was born Kyle and I have been a parenting team. Actually before he was born. When we took the baby basics class at the hospital we diapered, bathed, and swaddled the doll together. That's pretty much how things have gone for the past 14 months. When I was in the hospital my cousin joked with me she never knew nursing was a team sport when she found Kyle positioning Logan on the boob. I am used to Kyle always being there. Today I went to my BFF's kid's birthday party sans the husband. Oh how I missed him. 2 of my other peeps were there with their kids and hubbies in tow. Oh how I envied them. I am not used to trying to feed myself and Logan without a high chair without that extra pair of hands. And nothing prepared me for the bath of red icing Logan gave not only himself, but me (note to self: NEVER have an Elmo themed birthday party!). Before I had even left BFF's house I was on the phone with my mother. Multiple times I have heard my mother and others say that Kyle is the best dad they've ever seen. I used to kind of get offended (especially when my mother was saying this the day I went through 14 hours of labor--what am I, chopped liver?), but now I just consider myself lucky. Especially since I've already told him his calendar should be cleared for the 2 parties we've got next week.

The Childrens Place

. . .Old Navy, Macy's, Carter's. The list goes on. These are just a few of the places I've gotten clothes for Logan since I bought that Carson Palmer jersey way back in December 2007. I just packed up the rest of his 9m clothes and most of his 12m clothes. He needs about 5 little brothers to wear all this stuff. Despite never paying full price for any of it (I've gotten some really good deals) I can't help but feel like between his closet and the 5 (yes 5) bins full of stuff he's outgrown we've got a nice down payment on a Ford Focus. Oh well. At least he looks good. ;-)

The Curse of the Odd Number

A friend of mine once told me that she only likes even numbers. I think there's something to that. For as long as I can remember as a rule even numbered years were mostly "good" years and odd years were "bad." 2009 is living up to its number. Here's a recap of just a few things that have happened this year:

• January--my car died

• February--our baby-sitter tells us she's knocked up and due at the end of the month, giving us little time to scramble and find a temporary replacement

• March--my husband lost his job

You get the idea. Yet, as down as I've been about these and other situations I can't bring myself to put 2009 in the "Worst Years Ever" category. The reason is simple--my kid. Even if he's in teething hell, tantrum hell, or just being plain onery my little boy makes me smile every single day. No year with Logan can be THAT bad. He brings me a constant joy I've never felt before. So as I'm continuing to muddle through this shit heap that is 2009 and all I want to do is crawl in a hole and cry, I think I'll go have a snuggle with my boy and read "Hop on Pop" for the millionth time.

2 "Holidays" . .

. .I've never celebrated are St. Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo. The more people I meet the more I realize I'm in the minority. It honestly never occurred to me. If I'm Irish I don't know it, I took French in high school, and I don't like beer no matter what the color. I wonder if this makes me culturally narrow-minded, lame or both. . .

It's a Weird Feeling . . . .

to love my cats with all my heart but want to kill them at the same time. It happens multiple times a day but it all comes to a head around 8:15 each evening when Kyle is putting the baby to bed. 4 cats and a soon-to-be toddler? I should apply for sainthood.

Chivalry is Not Dead

Today I stopped at Sam's because Kyle left the car on empty and a worker came over and offered (felt more like insisted) to pump my gas. He told me that although many things changed, that chivalry is not dead and this is how is mother raised him to be. I looked at my sweet, sleeping boy and hope I am raising him to be the same way.